What happens when someone listens to us with full attention and no agenda?
In a recent Leadership Story Talks debrief, hosts Jerome Deroy and Julienne Ryan reflected on their conversation with Martin Koehler and the way curiosity can reveal what is hidden in another person. Martin’s work, as Julienne described it, is a “full-bodied experience,” one built around the gift of listening, appreciation, honest feedback, and attention without strings attached.
That kind of listening can feel rare. In a world where so many conversations are transactional, rushed, or shaped by what someone wants from us, the experience of being fully heard can feel almost luxurious. But the deeper lesson is not that listening belongs only in special settings. It is something we can practice in our own lives, our own work, and our own communication with others.
When we bring real curiosity to a conversation, we create room for something more honest to emerge.
The Request Beneath the Request
Jerome connected Martin’s approach to the work Narativ often does with clients. Someone may arrive with a clear external goal: they want to become a better presenter, tell their story more effectively, or be seen in a stronger light. On the surface, the request is about performance. They want to improve how others perceive them.
But when the conversation begins with curiosity rather than prescription, another layer often appears.
Instead of immediately offering presentation techniques, Jerome described asking questions like: What makes you feel you are not already a strong presenter? What is creating the fear, anxiety, or nervousness? Where does that feeling come from?
Those questions shift the conversation from performance to presence. They invite the person to explore not only what they want to improve, but what might be getting in the way of showing up fully.
Often, what emerges is not a lack of skill. It is a story. A memory. A belief. A fear. A voice in their head that came from somewhere. Once that deeper layer is seen and heard, something can unlock. The person may begin to show up differently before they have learned a single technique. Their charisma, confidence, and natural presence begin to come forward because the real obstacle was never only technical.
It was about being listened to.
Appreciation as a Mirror
Julienne reflected on two words that came to mind during the conversation: appreciation and acknowledgement.
When a client feels appreciated by the person listening, something shifts. They begin to appreciate themselves. They can take in the fact that they have been seen, heard, and recognized. That exchange of acknowledgement can be powerful because it gives the person permission to inhabit more of who they are.
Julienne spoke from experience. Before she formally studied storytelling, people began acknowledging the way she used humor and story in her human resources work. That appreciation helped her recognize something she had not fully named in herself. It was not only about speaking. It was about how she listened, how she occupied her space afterward, and how she allowed herself to show up as a whole human being.
That is one of the gifts of being appreciated well. It reflects something back to us that we may not yet be able to see clearly on our own.
The practice may seem simple, even deceptively simple. But to listen with enough attention that someone feels whole, validated, and more able to be themselves is a skill worth developing.
Asking Questions That Open, Not Close
Curiosity is not only about asking questions. It is about how we ask them.
Jerome connected this to the architecture of story. Strong stories establish the who, when, where, how, and what. They help us see people in context, as if we are watching a film or reading a book. That same instinct can guide better questions.
Rather than asking questions that smuggle in an assumption — “Is this because of your mother?” or “Did that happen because your boss was controlling?” — Jerome described the value of questions that open the field instead of narrowing it. Questions like: When did this happen for the first time? Where did you learn that? How did that come about in your life? Who in your life has that voice inside your head?
Those questions are spacious. They give the other person room to answer in a way that may surprise us. They also protect us from our own theories. As listeners, we often form assumptions quickly, but a truly curious question allows the person’s reality to correct those assumptions.
That is where deeper understanding begins. Not in proving our theory right, but in discovering what is actually true for the person in front of us.
Context Creates Patience
Julienne named one of her favorite words in this work: context.
When we gain context, we can appreciate another person more fully, even if we do not agree with them. We may begin to understand why they are stressed, why a deadline feels so loaded, why a conversation feels difficult, or why a certain situation carries more weight than we realized. Context increases patience because it turns behavior into something we can inquire into rather than simply react against.
That does not mean every question deserves an answer. Curiosity can sometimes become invasive when people do not realize the impact of what they are asking. But Julienne offered a generous practice: look for the good in the intention.
She shared that, as a woman without children, she has sometimes been asked questions that could feel inappropriate or overly personal. Her first reaction might be, “You’re not supposed to ask someone that.” But at times, she has also paused and considered whether the question came from someone wrestling with their own uncertainty or looking for help with a life choice.
That pause created the possibility of a different kind of response. Not because the question was perfect, but because there may have been a human need beneath it.
Looking for the good does not mean abandoning boundaries. It means allowing curiosity to work both ways. What might this person be trying to understand? What are they really asking? What conversation might open if I do not shut it down too quickly?
Assuming Good Intention
Jerome recalled hearing a senior people leader speak about how she handled the volume of requests, emails, and frustrations that came with a high-level role. Her practice was to assume good intention, even when a message landed badly or triggered frustration.
That idea echoes the heart of the debrief. When we assume good intention, we do not automatically surrender judgment or discernment. But we do begin from a place that keeps the conversation open. Instead of reacting only to how something first lands, we ask: What might be underneath this? What is this person trying to solve? What are they carrying into this exchange?
In leadership, this matters. In coaching, it matters. In teams, families, friendships, and client relationships, it matters. Many conflicts escalate because we respond to the surface instead of listening for the need underneath.
The person who seems nosy may be trying to understand their own life. The person who sounds defensive may be feeling exposed. The person who asks for presentation skills may be trying to find permission to be seen.
Curiosity helps us stay present long enough to discover the difference.
Listening Without an Agenda
The debrief returned again and again to the power of listening without trying to force an outcome.
When someone arrives with a problem, it can be tempting to solve it quickly. We may want to offer advice, reframe the issue, give technique, or move toward the most efficient answer. But the kind of listening Jerome and Julienne describe asks us to slow down. It asks us to pay attention not only to what the person says they want, but to what the conversation begins to reveal.
This is where listening becomes a form of respect. It says: I will not reduce you to your first request. I will not assume I already know the answer. I will stay curious long enough for the deeper story to appear.
That kind of listening can change how people experience themselves. It can help them feel less alone, less judged, and less pressured to perform. It can remind them that they are not simply a problem to be solved, but a person to be understood.
The Invitation
Martin Koehler’s conversation prompted a simple but profound reminder: curiosity, appreciation, and full attention are not luxuries reserved for special occasions. They are practices we can bring into everyday communication.
We can ask better questions. We can listen for context. We can assume good intention. We can notice when our own assumptions are leading the conversation and choose to let the other person surprise us.
And we can remember that sometimes the most powerful thing we offer is not advice, expertise, or a polished response.
Sometimes the gift is our attention.
To be heard without agenda. To be appreciated without conditions. To be met with curiosity instead of assumption.
That is where stories begin to open. And often, that is where people begin to show up as themselves.
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